girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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