The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
