Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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