You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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