Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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