3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
