I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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