i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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