you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
