Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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