Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
