i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
