My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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