If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
