his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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