you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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