my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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