You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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