sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize