***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You're completely useless in the revolution.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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