You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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