I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize