yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
