I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
