what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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