I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
