Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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