You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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