apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
