I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
