Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My cat gives me a boner
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize