God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
