Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
