Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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