apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
