I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
