i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Randomize
