I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
