the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
