i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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