Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
