Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
