If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
