The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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