just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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