Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
