just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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