I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
