i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
