remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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