i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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