We won't sleep together?
I wish I could teleport
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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